Beep, beep, beep, beep, Ptshshshshshshshshshsh. Beep, beep, beep, beep, Ptshshshshshshshshshsh. The hushed whisper of oxygen Driven into my lungs, Syncs the dance Between machine and body. Frazzled, harried hardware, Click, whiz, whir, ping – Broken body, Endless pain, Making me tired. So very, very tired. Scorching, blazing Chest on fire, my soul desire To breathe on my own. Lips dry and parched From kissing dragons. The watcher chirps Constant reminders That I am imprisoned In my personal shell. As if I could forget. No rest, no peace On this carousel of Hell. Beep, beep, beep, beep, Ptshshshshshshshshshsh. Most days spent in Daze and fog Trapped inside fading dreams And wistful thoughts. Cage bars built from nightmares Delivered by IV cocktail Through needles and tubes. Never quite sleeping. Never quite waking. Somehow balanced on a fence No chance of recompence, Sun masked by clouds, Moon haloed with shrouds. Past, present, Future tense. It all seems like one Exaggerated, Eternal, Exasperating, exhausting Pinpoint moment in time, Rushing past, Yet not moving at all. Never revealed, Always concealed, From the eyes of my mind. One long moment of pain Broken into virtual segments by… Beep, beep, beep, beep, Ptshshshshshshshshshsh. My kith and kin Barred from my presence By rules and by fears Meant to ensure salvation, But not redemption. Forced solitude At my soul’s expense. Just me and my essence. My mind stretching to Engage with God’s presence. Does anyone even know That I am trapped between worlds? Reduced to meat, Flipped like a burger To change my sheet. How does one Find a way out of the dark When there is no light To follow? No suggestion of tomorrow? The fingers of my mind Seek the corners Of a round room Padded with intricate Layers Of nonsense and parables. I search diligently For a way out until… Beep, beep, beep, beep, Ptshshshshshshshshshsh. In a single moment of lucidity I force open my lids to find Gracious and compassionate eyes Behind plexiglass and sanitized Foreboding armor. Her bearing Speaks only truth, Pushing back the haze To give me momentary hope. Perhaps a path to cope With what I cannot change But wish with every heartbeat That I could exchange My cage for one of Lessor solitude. She stands before me An angel in astronaut wear, Exhaustion fills her every bone Revealed by her gaze And her simple smile That I sense must be forced As she moves about her business Of checking this And tuning that, Skillfully manipulating the instruments That sing their wicked tune Over and over and over In my brain… Beep, beep, beep, beep, Ptshshshshshshshshshsh. Through lazy eyes I see her. She sees me. But there is a universe Of cosmic clutter That separates our souls. She’s there, but not there I want to feel her touch. I need to feel her touch. I beg for that moment When spirits collide And find anchor In an unanchored universe. But there is only the cold stroke Of latex enshrouded fingers And protected heart. She, herself, remains alone Separated from the ones she loves. Denied access to their energy, A victim herself Of a futile conflict Against an enemy That gives no ground. We fight a common battle Against a common foe, Against all odds, she will give no ground When all I seek Is to raise a flag of surrender. Beep, beep, beep, beep, Ptshshshshshshshshshsh. Time is warped By twisted space And falling grace Which places me at the mercy Of desperately trying, Self-denying, Terrified front-line soldiers Seeking survival and healing In the surrounding chaos. The churning activity Of rote procedures. Empty this. Squeeze that. Check these. Push those. Needles, tubes, and fluid flows. Fatigued and trembling hands Processing auto-commands, Brain on pause. Senses numbed Refusing to capitulate To the inevitable Trying to connect with something… Anything… Reason gone, grace expired, Body weary, Spirit tired. And the constant clamor of… Beep, beep, beep, beep, Ptshshshshshshshshshsh. Engaging the mindset of Sisyphus, I find myself struggling To push my rock Up the mountain, While fighting unseen demons That multiply with every Tick of the clock And ping of machine. My soul so empty As I seek the face and grace of God His healing touch, And gentle peace. I stretch out my arm Across the breach But find His hand Beyond my reach. Our fingers touch, And I fall back to earth Pain and burning sores Breath afire Softened by witch doctor remedies And unproved contraptions Of medieval torture That force my body to continue on, Preventing rest, When all it desires Is to let go. It wants to let go. Beep, beep, beep, beep, Ptshshshshshshshshshsh. I… want to let go. Please… Please let me go. In constant struggle To break the walls Of this shackled moment. To set the agony on hold And find purchase On another plane Where there is no pain. But hope is gone, Flushed from my soul Like forbidden waste. I languish in purgatory, One foot in and one foot out, Begging for heaven. Accepting hell. Whatever did I do That God would turn His face away And ignore my plight? Is God unable To pass sentence, Weigh me in the balance End this war Raging against my body And destroying my spirit? Sweet Jesus, if you love me, Ease my pain and forgive my shame, And take me home. Beep, beep, beep, beep, Ptshshshshshshshshshsh. And then, Somewhere in the bowels Of my agony A dim light beckons From within the dark, Hands aflutter Across my emaciated corpse. Hushed voices call my name. My body Recoils and reconciles. I reach out And I grab a cloud. Disparate, desperate hands Pull me forth, Like a birthing babe Into a place of light. Blurred vision Creates halos around dancing figures As they whirl about me In a commotion of Choreographed movement. Somehow different, Somehow changed, Machines and body rearranged I choke on bile As what was once joined Is excised from my flesh. Beep, beep, beep, beep. The fog dissipates Into rising steam, And parts of me that are not me Are removed. With a gasp, My chest expands On its own. A breath of air Sweet as creation itself Descends into my ravaged lungs Welcomed by my mind and soul. So glorious. So painfully glorious. Life out of death Renewed and refreshed Salvation and redemption Joining hands in grateful praise. Though I was done God was not. Where no hope was found Truth was bought and paid for With coins of ache and anguish Bathed in the blood of my savior. As He gives altitude to my heart And wings to my soul. Dawn breaks Beautiful in grace and promise Where there was no tomorrow I now have today.
Rev Walt
